Once again in this life of mine, I find myself feeling anxious about the future. Pretty soon secondary schools across this great province will begin the rigmarole they commonly refer to as “hiring”. Once the postings hit, everything will move quickly. Hang on to your hats, boys and girls, it will be a crazy spring.
At one point in the past, when I was young and had no idea about how easy it is to get lost in the living everyday bit, I said to myself, I said, “Self. Twenty-seven is when you should have it together. You’ll be brilliant. You’ll have a career. Some kind of a steady man. Hell, you could even toss a kid out of your girly bits, if you really wanted. THAT is just how together you are going to be”. Oh 19 Year-old Self, you were a silly fool. At twenty-seven and a bit now, it seems hilarious to think that creating life was on my agenda for this year. Has anyone seen my rosemary plant? Right, it’s the one that when a recipe calls for dried rosemary, you can just hold your pot underneath and wait for the wind to blow. Besides, even if keeping plants alive had any kind of relation to keeping humans alive, who needs a child when you still have some things to get done?
Enter the list. It’s in an old blue notebook, with Carleton University embossed across the cover. Sometime in first year right around the time when people were wrrrying about the world ending if the computers turned off in that instant between 1999 and 2000, I was in Ottawa writing a list of 101 Things to Do Before I Die. Now if the world had in fact experienced a millennial meltdown, this blog post would end here. Okay, so it wouldn’t exist. A small technicality. My point is, that the world continues to turn and now instead of working on world peace and ending hunger, you’re reading my blog and so I should probably share with you some of the “things” that, at 19, I set out to accomplish before I carked it.
In no particular order, I’ve selected some especially noteworthy entires.
2. Eat a 20 pack of Chicken McNuggets all by myself.
Lofty, I know. But have no fear, in the Fall of 2000 Robyn and I had a Nug Off where we each consumed a 20 pack, plus fries. That’s right, we were doing Supersize Me long before that guy thought about it. I fail to remember who won the Nug Off, although, since we both completed the challenge, it’s safe to say we’re BOTH losers.
12. Get one of those great tables from the 60’s.
Rescued from the side of the road and refinished by yours truly, my turquoise beast spent years in Ottawa and then Montreal before returning to home to me.
17. Help my mom with the bathroom.
This is becoming ridiculous. That bathroom is still in need of gutting and re-doing. It has been eight years, but don’t worry, it’s on the To Do List. Besides, these are goals for life, let’s not rush things.
25. Masters Degree
Check. It’s a good thing it didn’t specify between a Masters degree and a Drive Thru Masters degree like the one I possess, where if you drive up to the school, speak into a little box and dump $12 000 USD, they have piece of paper and a recipt waiting for you at the second window.
32. Drink milk, prevent osteoporosis.
I actually wrote that. My list just turned into a Public Service Announcement brought to you by the Dairy Council.
39. Befriend a squirrel.
Okay, this ain’t happening. In fact, if I do anything to squirrels, it’s more likely that I’ll go after them with a potato gun. They’re destructive, fearless and after my tulips. Those little suckers are going down.
30. Own an Olde English Sheepdog.
66. Have a pet monkey.
67. Adopt a greyhound.
It’s going to be a zoo around here.
61. Meet Michael Palin.
62. Have lunch with David Suzuki.
I wonder if we could roll these into one and maybe do dinner with the both of them?
And it goes on. I am going to be very busy. If I am to accomplish everything on this list, I’ll need to really focus. I’ve got to put in time as a teacher, on Broadway, painting a masterpiece, working as the shopping mall Easter Bunny, being a guest speaker, and participating in an archeological dig. The Airmiles I am going to have after flying to Australia, Iceland, Vanuatu, New Zealand, Hawaii, and Prince Edward Island should keep me in Cineplex Odeon gift certificates for quite sometime.
I tell you, there is nothing like the perspective that comes when you try to compare a lifetime’s worth of activities to 1 year’s worth of naïve expectations. I need to ease up on myself. Not an easy task to be sure, but in the meantime, you can find me (#41) wearing a tree skirt as an actual skirt.
