The Most Fun You Can Have Without Taking Hostages

I am full of bright ideas. And always, and I mean ALWAYS, while still in the thinking-rather-than-acting bit, these ideas just reek of profound brilliance. The latest in a string of ideas has been the one where I don’t buy any books until Christmas. I’ll say it slow for those of you who think I may have stuttered. No. Books. Until. Christmas.*

We’ve all seen Titanic, yeah? You know the bit at the end where Jack and Rose are holding hands in the freezing cold of the North Atlantic and Jack has essentially carked it so Rose lets him go but in an arms stretched, longing for his return kind of way? Right, well that’s the exact motion I made whilst (I’ve been in the UK, can you tell?) driving past a giant book megastore just the other day.

Well, so long Jack, I’ve got a new love and his name is Library! Faithful Readers, I have breathed in the world of free books and I might never purchase a book again (Wow! Insert bold-faced lie here.). My mom used to take us to the library when we were kids and I guess the bit about the books being FREE totally escaped my memory once the words “disposable income” entered my vocabulary. I spent a few solid hours at the library computer catalogue yesterday making lists and taking names. Dewey Decimal lives on! I had a giant pile that I carefully whittled down to a small selection of 10 or so. I showed my shiny new card and walked out with books! And a documentary DVD! For free!** Also, people who regularly rent films from rental places where you have to pay: Not only are DVD rentals FREE at the library you also have 7 days to watch them. New release or not. And did I mention you just show your card, and walk the hells out of there?

Confession time. I am (or sure hope I can say, used to be) one of those library patrons who had a hard time sticking to due dates. I’ve paid some crazy overdue library fines in my life, and sometimes, if the fine got high enough, I just stopped going to library altogether. Several of the books in my collection have a conspicuous My Town Public Library stamped in them somewhere. In fact, when I hesitated for a few days before going the library route because I feared they would still have a black and white photo of me behind the check-out counter. Maybe they flagged my account. Maybe the fact that my sister never return Many Waters has somehow further tainted my own murky record. Remarkably, to me at least, I am no longer on file, and sailed through the Get Library Card step. Obviously, these women have no idea that by next month, they’ll be leaving some kind of a message on my answering machine.

Uh, hello, this is The Library. Your DVD copy of Around the World in 80 Days with Michael Palin, Guerrilla Gardening, and The Happy Hooker are seriously over due. Ms. Landon? Hello? I can hear you breathing… Have you had an account here before..?

*If someone GIVES me a book *coughamazonwishlistcough* or I get a gift certificate for a book selling establishment, having a new book is okay. Also, if I have to give a gift between now and then, I want it to be a book (sisters who are 9 and 14 REALLY appreciate this), I could buy a book. I live for provisos!

**I know, I know, essentially somewhere along the line, someone is paying for library books. My taxpayer dollars buy books, as do large donations and user fines. I get it, not EXACTLY free, but you catch my drift. Stop being so damned literal already…