An Open Letter to Throat Singing

Dear Throat Singing,

I’m not a fan. Downtown Laurie Brown appears to be though as she seems to play some every night on The Signal.

She’s all yours, Throat Singing. I hope you have a nice life together.

Kim

Guest Post! An Open Letter to Martha

Dear Martha Stewart,

Let me just start by saying I think we both know that I am not the only adoring fan that you have. There are many a young (and not so young) women who long to be just as creatively intelligent as you (minus that year or two you were kind of in the black books…we won’t discuss that here). Hell, my sister moved to PEI for a year to become “Martha”. It worked too- we all reap the benefits of her year becoming a Pastry Chef!

Anyway, my point here is Martha, that I represent all the creative people that cannot always afford the fancy-dancy items in your crafts….let alone drop the cash for “Martha” name brand stuff. Don’t get me wrong. It’s all great. I just can’t afford it at the moment, what with having to pay a mortgage and bills every month and, from time to time, I do need to eat. As I am not one to point out problems without trying to at least attempt to find a solution, I have an idea for you. Dedicate one issue, that’s all I’m asking for, one issue, of Martha Stewart Living to “On a Budget Projects”! You know, stuff that young creative women like myself may have around the house already. Scrap paper, empty 2 litre bottles of pop and Kraft Dinner boxes and crayons. I bet you could think of some pretty sweet stuff to make with all of those things… maybe not all for the same project though.

In the November edition you make a lot of cute ornaments and decorations out of doilies. Come on Martha, doilies? Not something a 25 year old is going to have around the house, nor do I have time to run out and get them. Although, I did just receive my weekly 50% off coupon from Michael’s. I know this sounds like a whole bunch of complaints and negativity, but the point I am trying to get across is this- I love you Martha. I want to feel like I am in your league. I’m sure that you didn’t use ALL expensive craft items before you built the awesome empire that is “Martha”. Don’t forget your roots. Don’t Peace me out…

Your Loving, Albeit Cheap, Fan,

Lindsey

Editor’s Note: Thank you Lindsey! Only a few days remaining in Blo Po-ing and I’m farming it out. Maybe it’s because I am sick. Maybe it’s because I had some marking to do tonight. Or maybe (and far more likely) I am just lazy. If you too are interested in having your letter openly posted on my blog this week, you know where to find me.

Dear Cap’n Crunch

Let me start by saying that I appreciate the way you prefer to go by Cap’n as opposed to the more formal Captain. But I must ask, Cap’n of what? A boat? A plane? The back of my current box would have me believe you are the Cap’n of a sled dog team. No matter, I love you just the same.

I loved you long before you felt it necessary to advertise on the front of the box that you do not contain any trans fat. Awesome. This means you are practically health food. I’m willing to overlook the 13g of sugar per recommended serving. It is worth mentioning that you are right on par with you friends Sugar Bear and Lucky Charm but Snap, Crackle and Pop are kicking your ass.

I turned to you this evening because I am sicker than a dog. You know just what to do to when I need a little pick-me-up. That’s right, tear the bejeezus out of the roof of my mouth.

See you in the morning.

Love and cankers,

Kim

PS… I support your bid for promotion.

An Open Letter to Balazac’s Coffee Niagara Falls

Dear Balzac’s,

According to your website the Balzac’s Philosophy is simple: Serve an exceptional product prepared to perfection. You also mention that you are the antithesis of a corporate-run coffeehouse chain.

I wonder then, does this also mean that you do not explain to your staff the value of customer service?

While in Downtown Niagara Falls this morning, I stopped by your newest location to pick up two coffees and a hot chocolate. I only mention the specifics because once I ordered the beverages, and then asked for three cookies, your employee snapped, “Can we just do the drinks first”? Later, when she began ringing in my order and asked if that was everything, I mentioned that I still needed the hot chocolate. Impatient and in a less-than-pleasant tone she cut me off saying “Uh. I KNOW about that… is there anything ELSE”? Maybe there could have been, but at that point I wanted out.

I tried to be pleasant and I said nothing rude to your employee yet she treated me as if I had done something wrong by walking into a coffee house and ordering coffee. I was not in a rush, nor did I do or say anything to offend her. When, even after receiving truly unpleasant and uncalled for customer service, I wished her a nice day, she merely grunted in my direction.

Perhaps your coffee is superior. Perhaps it is better for the environment and the world in general. But unless you can provide a customer service experience that is every bit as superior as your many competitors, I do not think I will be returning.

Kim

Author’s note: A copy of this letter was sent to Balzac’s.

An Open Letter to the Last Week of NaBloPoMo

You’re going to kill me.

If it’s the last thing I do, I’ll try to avoid stupid posts made at the last moment, just so I can say I posted.

Damn it.

Kim

An Open Letter to Jan-Fat-o

Dear Janet,

I decided that you didn’t need a letter. It didn’t seem to be the way you rolled. No siree. If I was going to do an Ode to Janet correctly, there was only one answer…

An acrostic poem! Vertical brilliance!

Ju-jube bread baking makes you a number one friend.

Always a good sport. Think: Oompa Loompa and Scarf/Shirts.

Never complained about singing that came from the bathroom at odd hours. Celebrate good times! C’mon!

Extra special spoon collections make for hilarious souvenir hunts.

That you so very rarely judge anyone is one of your traits that I most admire.

Changed your last name from Pringle to prevent future acrostic poems from referencing your bosom as Petit est joli!

Has an amazing marriage with an adoring husband.

All-night radio show prize winner! You are the champion!

Probably the most capable (and clearly ready) of us girls to have children. You will be an awesome mother.

Mad skillz at chronicling the lives of a bunch of twentysomethings using only stick figures and captions.

Alone Now, I Think We Are. Once you downloaded this in Japanese.

Never failing to make me laugh. See: Tuning up for Homer Simpson songs, Punk Rock Good King Wenceslas and pulling your weight (pun intended!) as one half of Ethi/Opia.

That, due to geographical circumstances, we do not see each other nearly enough is a point that a) is not lost on me and b) did not make it into the acrostic poem.

Maybe it was all the fish YOU ate…

Kim

An Open Letter to Cupcake

Ali,

I’m going to open this letter with a final plea. Bring back Can’t Stop Reading! Seriously. It enriched my life and helped me to find new and exciting children’s literature and YA titles. You’re no longer backpacking across Australia and have not been for more than a year so what up? Having a real career is no excuse.

And speaking of careers, yours is pretty awesome. When you wrote that you were calling off the Australian Fantasy Trip to come home for an interview, I gave you mad props. Clearly, you were the perfect candidate for the job (because you got it! Shwing!) but had I been in the same position, I’m not sure I would have taken the risk. Or left the beach, for that matter. Everyday you get to do something that you love. But Ali, it’s way more than that – you are amazing at your job. You are and have always been immersed in books and literature. That you spend your days trying to spread the book love is such an exciting opportunity. While we’re on the subject, Christmas is coming and my sister has asked for books – what’s hot for 9-year olds now?

You taught me that laying down is the most superior of all positions in the Hierarchy of Rest. I only wish you were closer so that Bed Lyin’ could be on the official agenda far more frequently. In the years since we have lived in the same household, I have never once met a person who makes coffee and French toast like you.

You can be counted on for birthday phonecalls. That alone deserves an Excellent Achievement Award as I still owe people gifts and calls from 2006.

From shaky Halloween cupcake beginnings, you have blossomed into a Taker of Classes and I was amazed, over-joyed and secretly so proud of the beautiful glass beads that you busted out last holiday season. I’ll not make fun of your craft skills again. Okay, so that’s not true. Making fun will continue as per our regular mocking schedule.

When you were in The Centre of the Universe and Environs this spring, I could not have been happier. Matheson gets to hog you when you’re both trying to stay dry on the West Coast so it was fabulous to get some face time. It was nearly like old times. I say nearly, because we’ve obviously gotten smarter and better looking in the ten or so years since we first started trampling around the Byward Market. Though judging from the amount of sangria we consumed you still believe that “being drunk is the best feeling in the world and (you are) going to do everything in your power to stay that way FOREVER”.

I miss you.

A lot.

Kim

An Open Letter to The Yarn Harlot

Dear Stephanie,

So last night, my partner and I made our way to the Suzuki Foundation Meet ‘N’ Greet (though I am sure it had a swankier name). He is a Suzuki Foundation supporter and when the invite arrived in the mail several weeks ago there was no question as to whether we would be attending or not. Meeting David Suzuki is on my list of 101 Things to Do Before I Die. Technically, it was “Have lunch with David Suzuki” but they were serving appetizers and there was a cash bar, so that’s like lunch, right?

Round about last week I remembered some kind of “You Know What Would Be Fun?” blog post you made in light of capturing Obama AND Greg Kinnear with a sock. Yesterday afternoon, armed with a dual purpose, I put my SIP in my bag and headed for the function. I was pretty nervous waiting in line to speak with David Suzuki and the lady behind me who insisted on pushing and shoving did not help. Obviously, she did not know I had a bag full of 2.5mm needles or maybe she would have backed her bad self up a bit. I made the pitch and Suzuki graciously agreed to have the photo taken. As you can see, he requested a two-fer. Yarn fumes have that effect on people, I suppose.

Canadian Olympian Adam van Koeverdin was in attendance (and gave an awesome speech) and so I killed two birds with one stone. Or something like that. As I was explaining The Crazy to van Koeverdin, an onlooker mis-heard me and thought I said “Nutters Without Borders”. Knitters? Nutters? Is there that big a difference? Surely not to an innocent bystander.

I’ve just now re-read that post and see that exceptions will only be made for “other really cool people or celebrities”.

Stephanie, I offer you David Suzuki and Canadian Olympic kayaker Adam van Koeverden. It’s your call.

Kim

An Open Letter (and Cop Out) to Ali

Dear Ali,

You asked me to stop and so I will oblige.

But only for tonight. And only because I am sick.

Tomorrow? Yeah, bring tissues.

Kim

An Open Letter to Tippy

Dear KM,

I think you deserve your thanks right up front for several reasons. They are:

1. You saved me from a Sailor Moon-obsessed, Cabbage Patch-toting roomate who sang Disney tunes at the very top of her lungs. Surely, many boys had first hand experience with said lungs when they swabbed far enough down her throat during Frosh Week. Nice Cabbage Patch dolls. Wanna make-out?

2. You know the pure joy of half-priced Halloween candy. Also, you are aware that St. Laurent is not too far to go for a Chocolate Chipper. And yes, I do know EXACTLY how many calories is in one of those things.

3. On a cold January day, we rode that #1 bus all. The. Way. Down. Bank. Entirely for the experience of purchasing knitting needles (which started out as finding something to do that didn’t involve alcohol).

4. Two words: Sandy Huang. You saw him take the apartment number off the door when the fire inspector came a calling and you warmed your hands by the oven. Because we could only plug in one heat-generating appliance. Send up the heat!

5. This face…

I could go on listing the awesomeness of you but I think, for interest’s sake, I’ll switch to paragraph mode.

For three years, we did nearly everything together. We ate and drank (night cap?) and stalked. We survived through 2 apartments, a few boyfriends and hauling Christmas trees in Ottawa snow storms.

You are my crafty friend. We made little beaded mice in the first years of our decade-long financial crisis and keep that tradition alive today with Purse Club and knitting around the kitchen table (which stitches wear the scarves?).

I am proud of you for making your way in a male-dominated industry and doing what you really love to do. It kills me each and every time you get back on a plane to Van City, but I know that’s where you have to be sometimes. And even now, as you push and pull, coast to coast, trying to find what you need, I know that you will always, always end up doing what you love.

You call everything like you see it, from the size of baby’s heads (HUGE!) to making sure I’m not getting stepped on. When I aspire to stand up for myself, it is your voice inside my head.

I dare you NOT to cry…

Love and Snack Packs,

Kim