An Open Letter to Canadian Troops and Veterans

It is with much gratitude that I write to you today. Sadly, sometimes it takes a national day of Remembrance to for regular citizens to stop and think about the sacrifices you have made in the name of freedom and peace.

Despite reading everyday in the paper about some confrontation or road-side bombing, despite the reality of Canadian troops still giving their lives overseas, this life of yours is difficult to imagine. Not since 1812 have we fought a war on Canadian soil. I have not sent a husband and sons or daughters across an ocean, fearing that they may never return. I think that this distance from the reality of war and conflict is what keeps most of us in a state of forgetfulness.

And I may not agree with the government that has put Canadian soldiers in places like Afghanistan, but that does not mean that I cannot be thankful that there were and are people who have dedicated their lives to fighting for peace, at home and internationally.

Fighting for peace. It does seem to me that there must be another way, although the annals of history and our push into the future seem hell-bent to prove me wrong.

Nonetheless, to the veterans of both World Wars and to Canadian soldiers living and dying in Afghanistan and elsewhere… thank you.

Kim

An Open Letter to People Who Do It Continental-Style

Dear Continental Knitters,

You are my heroes. How the hell do you knit so fast? What’s that? Hold the yarn in our left hand, never ever let go of the needles and go like gang-busters? Right. I’m taking notes…

You’re the meaning in my life, you’re the inspiration.

Kim

An Open Letter to Bella Swan

Dear Bella,

After having read two books in which you feature, I am not sure I have ever met (in fiction or reality) a more tragic charcter than yourself. And I teach highschool!

Truly, I wasn’t even sure that I would get past the first chapter of the book that introduced me to the crazy (albeit fictional) life that you are living in Washington State. It read a great deal like a young adolescents diary and it felt dirty to be reading it. Also cringe-worthy. Have you heard of Cringe? You could surely earn a place in the next book with admissions such as this:

“The hole in my chest was worse than ever. I’d thought that I’d been getting it under control, but I found myself hunched over, day after day, clutching my sides together and gasping for air. I wasn’t handling alone well.”

When you tell everyone all this angst is over a vampire (further complicated by your best friend turning into a werewolf), well, it’s the makings of a train wreck and I’ve found I can’t look away.

As a woman (though admittedly, one who is not in love with vampires), I find it slightly disheartening that at 18 (I’m only just finished with the second book) you’ve let a boy crush you so easily. If I could retake my late teen years armed with all of the things I know now, I daresay that no boy, not even an immortal one, would have had me pining away. Bella! Get out and see the world! You live near Seattle and Portland – both vibrant, liberal communities. Sisters are doing it for themselves, and they no longer need the approval of their vampire lover.

And frankly, if you are going to be with this Edward boy, the least you could do is trust that his 100 and some odd years of experience only wants the best for you. Go to college! Pick a good one, take some enlightening classes and do a keg stand or two! Sure, if you get your wish, you will have all of eternity to learn many subjects in great depth, but there is nothing quite like the first freedom that college brings forth.

Thanks to reams of Internet spoilers and young girls who screech at me whenever they see me with a copy of one of the books, I know how it turns out. I don’t know the in-between junk, but until I get to that place where you take your last human breath and face your immortality (should I have yelled “SPOILER”?), I maintain that the in-between junk is the best part.

Yours in embarassing teenage diaries,

Kim

PS… Congrats on the whole film rights thing.

An Open Letter for You To Copy and Paste and Send to the Toxic People in Your Life

Author’s Note: Tonight, which if you will note is only the end of the first week of NaBloPoMo, I have turned to a letter generator in an effort to get ‘er done. If you had to hang out with Disney princesses all day in the pouring Niagara Falls rain, you’d do the same thing. Thanks go to Candy Genius for the mad letter generation skillz. Copy and paste mine, or visit the site and make your own. Alternatively, do a search for letter generator and be amazed at how robots are doing it for us. Also, a big CAHOOTS shout out to my stepdad Zak. He and I? We’re in CAHOOTS!

Dear (Insert Name of Toxic Person Here),

I just wanted to let you know that you have completely invalidated my life. If you had half a brain you would be dangerous. I have had shock therapy to try to forget your existence because you have manipulated me one too many times. I have usually looked the other way, which makes me an enabler.

This time you have thrown the baby out with the bathwater.

I have never shirked my responsibility to tell you that you are definitely taking the wrong meds. You would be so much better off if you would just lay off of the hooch. You must be the product of inbreeding. You are in CAHOOTS! It is time for you to get a new psychiatrist, preferably one that actually graduated. Let this also serve as notice that all future visits have been cancelled as I have to stay home and feed the cat.

See you in hell you total psycho,

Kim

An Open Letter to The Loopy Ewe

Dear Loopy Ewe,

Nothing says love quite like fibre in the mail. More truthfully, nothing says love like receiving a call at one’s place of employment for the express purpose of informing one that her latest order of sock yarn has arrived! Shout outs to DM for paying me this courtesy.

This was my very first time placing an order with you, although certainly not the first time I had filled up my online shopping cart. All those other times, I realized that car payments are more important that yarn (it was a tough thing to come to grips with). So this is the first time I saw my yarn-filled cart through to completion. Yes! (Insert fist pump here)

Loopy, I am so happy with  my purchase. I am impressed by the speed with which it arrived on my doorstep – it’s rare I receive any package that quickly. Your online shoppe offers endless yarn possibilities, and after this first experience I can honestly say I look forward to growing old with you. Also, thanks for the Needle Inventory Cards. This should prevent me from purchasing any more 5mm dpns. Although strangely, 4 sets doesn’t seem like too many. As well, I appreciate your policy regarding shipping costs that saw me receive a $15 refund on shipping due to less expensive shipping on this particular package. More money to spend on yarn! Woot!

Thanks again.

Kim

PS… Yarn porn, anyone?

(From left: Farmhouse Yarns Fannie’s Fingering Weight in Kaleidoscope, Araucania Ranco Multi in Mountain Creek and Araucania Ranco Multi in Island Retreat. Delicious!)

An Open Letter to Cafe Amore

Dear Cafe Amore,

Okay, what gives? For several months now, there has been a rather large sign in front of your restaurant on Lake Street claiming that you are “closed for renovations”. Really?

And forgive me for being skeptical but I live around the corner and I drive by the restaurant most days and at varying times. I do not think I can ever recall a time when it looked like there were active renovations going on.

I know you have another location, but it’s way over on Martindale Road. DM and I used to be so proud that we could tell our friends and family about the multitude of excellent dining out options we had in a four block radius. That’s walking distance! Sadly, we can no longer include you in that list. So I guess what I am wondering is, are we ever again going to be able to tell people about the delicious pasta you serve (or rather used to serve) up?

If you have chosen to keep only one location going, well, I suppose that is your prerogative, but I would like to ask you why that might be? Is there no market for excellent Italian cuisine on Lake Street? Does your business in suburbia do far better?

So please, just lay it on me. If you could lay it on me with a side of Amore Bread and Mardi Gras pasta, all the better.

Yours in good taste,

Kim

Author’s Note: This letter was sent to Cafe Amore on Thursday, November 6th.

An Open Letter to My Secret Admirer Circa 1999

Dear Secret Admirer,

Does this look familiar?

I’ve kept this letter for nearly 10 years now, ever since that day in Residence when you slid it under my door while I was napping. I wish I could pin down the exact day and time, but I napped a lot so that’s no clue. I seem to recall I was having a hard time with something or other. Oh, the drama of a first year uni student who has run out of beer money!

At the time, I tried to figure out who may have gone to these lengths. An engineer or math fanatic? Clearly, they would have easy access to graph paper. But perhaps it was a girl? One who still had enough cash to buy several magazines. I had my suspicions, but I could not prove a thing.

I’ve stopped wondering who you are and have to come to accept that I may never know who did it or why. But even after 10 years one thing has not stopped, and that’s how awesome I feel everytime I unfold it.

Thank you.

Kim

An Open Letter to My Stamina

Dear Stamina,

Where did you go?

Also, Stamina, I realize, that I’m phoning it in on this one, but it’s 11:40pm and I am working with a dial-up connection.

But seriously, where did you go?

Kim

An Open Letter to My Startitis

Dear Startitis,

It’s that time of year again, isn’t it? I’ve made the vows to go handmade for the holidays and I have done some preliminary thinking about what people might like. I have not done any preliminary thinking about what I can handle, and that is the weakness that you prey upon.

You’re in some serious cahoots with magazines, craft blogs, DIY shows and daily craft emails. Everywhere I turn these days, I hear your soft whisper in my voice. Cast on that pair of socks. Cut out the fabric for that quilt. Purchase shiny stickers to make even more Christmas cards that you will run out of time to send. Shut up already! And clearly, you’re no longer satisfied to prey solely on knitters.

Startitis, you have me planning to attempt things I did not think possible. Knitting upwards of three complete pairs of socks in less than two months. Finishing 3 quilts in various stages of the game and starting at least 1 more. I’ve got plans for a felted snowman, a knitted polar bear and several edible creations. Let’s throw handmade gift wrap into the mix and a desperate itching to start baking Christmas cookies and you’ve got what amounts to a whole pile of crazy.

I refused the startitis vaccination this year – quite obviously a fatal error. I thought that with a little pre-planning and a slight increase in my total amount of free time that I might fend off your viral nastiness. But here you are and there is no cure. I’ve tried various combinations of alcohol, severe crying jags and farming the work out to unwitting (and unsypathetic) family members.

I wonder, Startitis, if the cruelest bit of your disease is not the incessant need to start a million new projects, but the crippling symptom of being unable to complete them all?

You’ve bested me again.

Kim

An Open Letter to Michaels

Dear Michaels,

This letter has been a long-time in the writing, as my disillusionment has grown over the past year. I am a person of a general craft persuasion but can usually be found knitting and/or sewing.

I learned to knit in the winter of 2000. I was in my freshman year of university and returned to our Nation’s Capital with a small budget and too much time on my hands. Oh sure, I could have been studying, but let’s be realistic. So I did what any girl would do after having spent too much money on gin; I bought some aluminum knitting needles and some acrylic yarn and taught myself to knit. For about 8 years, all I knit were scarves and the only yarn I used was acrylic. This suited both my skill level and budget just fine.

About 2 years ago, I got the hankering to break out. I wanted to try something new and I wanted a challenge. I was going to knit socks and so I came to you for help. I needed double pointed needles and I needed sock yarn and I needed the support you had given me through my various craft projects throughout the years (see Halloween 2000 through 2003 and Christmas “fireplace” 2000 and 2003). Sadly, I could not find the very thin dpns that I required. Nor could I find any sock yarn. I wasn’t fazed, the hand-knitted sock craze was in its early days and maybe you hadn’t caught up yet. I remedied the situation with a trip to Toronto and a proper yarn store.

A couple of months ago, having several pairs of socks under my belt, I took a trip to a local Michaels store in search of some slightly fatter 9mm dpns. My sister and I were making little bags and needed both 100% wool and the aforementioned needles. Sadly, we had only two brand options for 100% wool and your double pointed needle seletion was lacklustre (as in maybe you had 3 sizes, and I think I’m being generous). Again, we remedied this problem with a trip to another proper, and quite lovely yarn shop.

So Michaels, my first question is, to whom are you selling yarn? Follow-up questions include, but are not limited to:

With three aisles of your store dedicated to yarn, would it kill you to carry something interesting?

Again, with three aisles of your store dedicated to yarn, how is it I can only purchase 2 brands of 100% wool. Please do not tell me there is not a market for it. 206 936 knitters can’t be wrong. And in case you’ve been too busy pushing your big-box, corporate agenda, sock knitting has caught on. Sock yarns of extra special colour and fibre sell out in minutes from small local yarn stores all across the world.

And that Vanna’s Choice? Is Vanna’s actual choice really acrylic? I find it hard that she of the diamond dresses and letter turning would choose to knit in 100% acrylic.

While we’re at it, what’s the needle selection? I nearly had kittens when you finally found the wherewithal to carry bamboo needles. How 2005 of you! Why do you insist on NOT carrying double pointed needles – no sock needles? Clearly, you’re main market consists of equal parts women over 70 making afghans and university girls who spent their student loan money on gin.

And there is a lesson to be learned here, Michaels, (that I am a yarn snob is not the one I’m thinking of), and the lesson is this: if I am searching for quality, maybe some merino, a little mohair, a lot of alpaca, and the creativity that comes from yarn that has been spun and dyed in small batches I should look no further than the many local yarn shops that strive to provide their customers with quality goods and proper customer service. That’s MY lesson, but do not fear, I’ve got one for you too – girls who have university educations, no matter how much grocery money was wasted on alcohol, no matter how small their yarn budgets started out, well, they grow to be women with much more substantial yarn budgets that they’ll take elsewhere in the future.

Regards,

Kim

Authors note: This letter was sent, with links edited out, to Michaels online Customer Service on Sunday, November 3, 2008.